Sweet Sacrifice
by Lolla R
Summary: Sirius was suddenly filled with an anger that he shouldn't be feeling. Bellatrix was his cousin. She was arrogant, mean, and now she was getting married. But she was also funny and had a secret smile that only he knew and her lips and her skin and her hair and he stopped thinking straight. Bellatrix counted his steps. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter © J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros.

 _It's true, we're all a little insane  
But it's so clear, now that I'm unchained_

Of course it had to rain.

Sirius walked out of the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place for what he thought it was the last time. The raindrops on his face got mixed with some unwanted tears that he couldn't help to shed.

He was carrying his Hogwarts trunk containing everything he wanted to take away from the house. Not the Gryffindor banners or the posters on the walls, for those he left behind to further infuriate this mother. He carried only a bunch of clothes, his  
/school robes, letters from his friends and photographs – the Marauders', Lily's and Marlene's and also Andromeda Tonks – formerly known as Andromeda Black. These were all evidence from happier times.

He wanted to leave the Black family in his past. He couldn't however abandon two pictures that he shoved in his pocket on the last minute. These were not souvenirs from good moments; they were painful reminders of his failure. The first one showed two  
/young boys with the same dark hair, looking so similar except for the height difference and the eyes and the expression in their faces. Sirius looked bored. Regulus looked up to his brother hoping to get some attention. The boys on the photograph  
/moved around, obviously, but the dynamic never changed much. The other photograph was of a woman with dark long hair, red lips and eyes that could make the devil beg for mercy. She had the same bored expression as her cousin showed on the other picture.

 _To hell with you, Bellatrix. To hell with all of you._ His thoughts were clouded, but those were very clear.

He was supposed to be feeling free and rebel and unstoppable, after finally doing what he threatened for so long. Independence, however, was a little bitter than he had imagined.

Sirius thought that he would never again set foot on the house that he was born. The place wherehe performed his first accidental bit of magic. The gardens where he tried to escape the rest of the family. The dining room where he tried to fit in

for so many times when he was younger. The reading room where he kissed her for the first time. And the entrance hall where his heart was broken beyond repair.

In the end it was all about choices. He made his long ago, only now he had mastered the courage to act on it. Funny, he thought, that he turned out so differently when he had the same upbringing that the rest of the generation. There was of course Andromeda,  
/so he wasn't alone in disappointing the family, but despite the fact that she also ran out, the two wasn't so similar. Andromeda was made of kindness and that was why she couldn't stay, for there wasn't a Black bone in her body, although it saddened  
/her to leave her sisters.

Sirius had a fire burning inside of him that demanded to torch the hole place with their beliefs. There was, however, Black blood running through his veins, as he was angry and mean and vengeful sometimes. It was painfull to step out of the house and  
/realize that the chains he thought he was breaking were deep in his soul and would not be so easily disposed of.

Bellatrix's voice was ringing in his ears and her image was burned in his mind as the last thing he saw on the Black manor.

"Do you have any idea where will your choices lead you?" – he remembered asking, immediately regretting it. The woman was anything but naïve.

"I believe the better question would be where yours would be leading you. After all I'm not the one standing on the front door with a school trunk and not a penny in my pockets." – There was no trace of emotion in her voice. He cursed that bloody self-control  
/of hers.

Sirius turned around and closed his eyes for a second. _"Goodbye my love"_ , he never said it. There was no place for the weak in the house of Black. He may have been burned out of the tapestry but old habits indeed die hard.

"Sirius." – she called him. For a second he sworn that her voice trembled a bit this time, but it was probably wishful thinking.

He started walking and heard the front door close with unnecessary strength. As he reached the end of the street the urge to look back was stronger than him. The Black manor stood tall as it probably would for centuries. On a window on the second floor  
/he saw a boy who was once a brother and was now lost forever. Regulus noticed him and quickly shut the curtains.

The whole world disappeared as Sirius apparated.

 _Fear is only in our minds  
Taking over all the time_

 _Fear is only in our minds  
But it's taking over all the time_

He was seated on the Potter's porch and feared never to be happy again.

Suddenly in his mind Sirius was fifteen again and bored to death and school break had only just started. Regulus was no fun to be around these days. Andromeda was busy. That left absolutely no one in the family he was willing to spend time  
was

not answering on the two-way mirror. This was not how he wanted to spend his free time at all.

Going out of his room made it terribly dangerous to encounter someone on the hallways. But he was nothing but brave - and bored. Kitchens meant dealing with Kreacher, which took more patience that he had in the moment. It was pouring so the gardens were  
/out of the question. So, the library it was. Walking silently as a ghost was a talent of his, proved by the fact that he entered the room undetected by the woman reading on an armchair to which he had a side view.

She looked peaceful and that was not something that could often be said about Bellatrix Black. Her legs were on the arm of the chair, white skin contrasting with the black leader. On her red lips there was a cigarette.

"I cannot believe you're smoking inside the library, Bellatrix."

She was startled by his presence, but only for a split second.

"This is not a library, it's a reading room. And go mind your own business." - she wouldn't even bother to look at him.

He walked towards her, stopping in front of the armchair, took the cigarette from her hands and smoked it.

"Oh, so the noble Sirius Black is allowed to smoke inside? Please enlighten me, what gives you the privilege?"

She was watching him now. The peace was gone for good and he saw only determination, pride and a hint of contempt.

"I bend the rules all the time. Not like the perfect lady sitting in front of me."

"Oh, obviously." - she was mocking him. He was feeling awkward and suddenly very young in the sight of her.

He sat in the couch placed directly in front of her and tossed the cigarette away.

"What are you reading"?

"Unless you went blind on the last two seconds since you so loudly sat on this couch, you can see the cover."

He didn't bother to look.

"Am I disturbing you, Bellatrix?" - he said with an satisfied grin on his face.

"You are annoying me."

As stated before Sirius was bored and he was not taking it very well. He kept changing positions on the couch, beating on the floor with his feet, picking books of the shelfs only to return without opening them or pacing up and down the room. Bellatrix  
/gave up on her book after trying to read the same paragraph for the fourth time with no success.

"Shouldn't you be with Andromeda working on your little club?"

He lifted an eyebrow. "We do not have a club."

"Oh, but you do. You probably plot the family ruin during all of your secret meetings."

"We do not. Though it's not such a bad idea. Who knew you had it in you."

"That was not an incentive." - She paused for a second. "The rest of the time you must be thinking of ways to embarrass yourself at dinner tables."

Was that her being funny?

"But I don't need to practice that. I've mastered it since I was 12 and joined Gryffindor. Maybe even a little sooner." - there was a smile in his eyes.

"If you say so." - he seemed to have gotten her in a talkative mood. "Come on, when will you quit this act of yours?"

"What act, you mad woman?"

She crossed her arms across her chest and looked to him as if he was playing dull. "The rebel without a cause one".

"I have a cause. Several actually. Whatever opposes the noble Black tradition. Just pick one that suits your purposes."

Bellatrix looked at him with true curiosity, which troubled him in ways he couldn't quite describe.

"You weren't always like this, you know."

"I don't like to revisit those memories." - He got up and turned his back to her, standing by the large window facing the gardens.

She got up and stood by his side. They were quiet for minutes watching the rain fall and the wind on the trees.

"You've changed too." - Sirius said in the lowest of voices.

"I only grew up." - she spoke and didn't seem to convince him.

Sirius walked back to the couch and leaned his back on it, seating on the floor. "I hate everyone in this house except for Andromeda."

Bellatrix hadn't sit on the ground since she was ten years old. Something about it seemed very compelling at the moment and she sat beside him.

"I am in this house."

"I noticed." - he was looking at everywhere but at her.

He couldn't help turning his face to her after her next statement, however.

"I hate everyone in this house, period."

"Wait, what?" - Sirius mouth fell open. He was surely imagining things.

"Oh, sorry, that's another Sirius Black's privilege?"

He laughed this time.

"Don't change the subject. Explain yourself, Bellatrix."

"There's not much explaining to do. Cissy is a silly girl. Andromeda thinks she know better than everyone and tries to make me feel inadequate all the time. Regulus acts like I walk on water or something, it's quite disturbing."

She stopped talking for a second. Sirius felt he needed to say something to fill the silence.

"Can't argue with you on that last one."

"He idolizes you too, which I never understood by the way. And then we have my mother who only talks about marriage, my father who wanted sons, your mother who would probably have us all tattoo the Toujours Pur on our foreheads and your father who is  
/a psychopath. Thankfully he's almost never home now."

Sirius was profoundly disturbed by her words, because for once he actually agreed with her.

"For the life of me I cannot believe I'm hearing these words coming out of your mouth."

She looked back at him and their faces were very close. He talked about her mouth and couldn't avoid staring at it for too long. She bit her lip and turn her face away from that scrutinizing grey eyes.

"Perhaps we could make a club of our own." - He joked, trying to break the tension.

"And what would we call it?" - she asked. "The delusions of Trix and Six?"

Bellatrix made him laugh for the second time on the afternoon and that was disturbing. He tried to ignore it.

"No way. Sounds like a kids book."

"I'm out of ideas." - she seemed to be wanting a change of subject.

"No one has called me by that nickname in ages."

"I'm the only one who used to call you Six."

Sirius saw that the rain had stopped and realized that he couldn't take that weird conversation anymore for the day. He got up and walked to the door.

Bellatrix watched Sirius stop by the door and knew he was tempted to say something. He spoke after seconds that seemed to last way longer.

"See you later, Trix."

 _You poor sweet innocent thing  
Dry your eyes and testify_

The porch was a cold place to seat in and he was shivering by the time James found him. He sat beside him in the cold night and Sirius was so sad but so relieved to remember that he indeed had a true brother. James managed to get him inside and Mrs. Potter  
/gave him a room and prepared him a bath and kissed him goodnight like he was still a child.

He laid on his bed at the Potter manor and suddenly in his mind Sirius was eleven again and was back at Grimmauld Place the first time after being sorted to Gryffindor. He had received no letter from home since. There was no screams or punishment at first,  
/just a terrible silence treatment. His mother forbid everyone to talk to him, including the other kids. Andromeda wanted to comfort him but back then she wasn't brave enough.

That was the time he learned the true meaning of loneliness and despair. He was in his bed at the Black manor wiping the tears in his sleeve and terrified that no one loved him.

 _You know you live to break me  
Don't deny, sweet sacrifice_

It was the morning after he arrived at the Potters. Sirius had nightmares and barely slept through the night. He didn't want to take a trip back down memory lane but seemed to be losing the battle to his mind.

He closed his eyes and went back to being a fifteen year old living on the Black manor. No one paid attention to them. The boy was a disgrace to the family's eyes and Bellatrix was the most prized heir, but considered too smart to get herself into real  
/trouble. Andromeda was away for the time so there was no one to keep Sirius in check.

Sirius and Bellatrix started to spend more time together. It was afternoons mostly at first but they quickly discovered night was a better time. Going to the reading room after dinner became their private ritual.

Bellatrix was more distant than usual on one particular night. She had her back leaned against a book shelf and looked compulsively to her hands. Sirius was observing her from across the room.

She dropped the bomb without sugarcoating it. "I am engaged to be married."

Sirius was suddenly filled with an anger that he shouldn't be feeling. Bellatrix was his cousin. She was arrogant, mean, she believed on the family's traditions and now she was getting married. But she was also funny and had a secret smile that only he  
/knew and her lips and her skin and her hair and he stopped thinking straight.

Bellatrix counted his steps.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

 _Six._

Without any warning his mouth was on hers. He was kissing her roughly like he wanted to mark his territory. One of his hands was lost on her hair and the other griped her by the waist and pulled her closer to him. Her arms were around his neck. She tasted  
/like blueberries and agony and desire. His mouth was like chocolate and air and temporary freedom.

It was way too much. She pushed him and broke the kiss. Her breathing was heavy, her eyes were wild and she had lipstick all over her face.

"Stop it." - she said, as if she hadn't taken any part on the act.

"You are unbelievable." - He said, crunching his fists. "I fucking hate you".

 _One day I'm gonna forget your name  
And one sweet day,  
you're gonna drown in my lost pain_

It was night again at the Potter's and Sirius tried to seem happy the whole dinner. He felt at home, this much was true, but he was not himself at the moment. He drank firewhisky whit James in his room trying to forget their women troubles.

Sirius was lying on his bed again realizing the alcohol did not help at all.

In his thoughts he was sixteen and back again to the dreadful 12 Grimmauld Place. It has been almost a year since he had last spoken to Bellatrix. There were no civilized conversations after the kiss.

The first day back was uneventful but no less terrible than predicted. Andromeda was really gone this time and not coming back. Regulus and Sirius no longer speak to each other. He went up to his bedroom immediately after he was excused of diner. He couldn't  
/sleep, however. His bedroom curtains were open and he was lying in bed watching the sky. He could recognize the stars that named them easily. Sirius thought of her and his chest ached.

Hours later he was still wide awake in his bed.

The door opened and he thought it must be a dream. Not a chance in hell would Bellatrix Black be standing in his room after midnight and wearing nothing but a nightgown. The hunger in her eyes matched only by the desire burning on his.

"Forgot the way to your room, did you?" - he sat on the edge of the bed, eyes still locked with hers.

He didn't have a shirt on. It didn't seemed to bother her one bit.

"Not at all."

Bellatrix was walking slowly towards him. She let her hair down and stopped standing in the middle of his legs. He had to look up to see her face. Her lips were the usual irresistible red.

"I want to be yours, Sirius."

Her hands were on his naked shoulders and she was leaning down to kiss him. Sirius stopped her with a movement of his hand.

"This is madness." - he said, not really knowing where all that self-control came. "You are getting married. Lestrange will not like to realize that his bride has been to another man's bed."

Hurt passed quickly to her eyes as he spoke, but Bellatrix was not used to changing her mind or giving up.

"I'm here, Six. Take me". - she pleaded, seating on his lap.

It was obviously more than a sixteen year old could resist, even if he should've known better.

"Bellatrix..." - he cupped her face with his hands and touched her forehead with his.

"No." - she whispered. "Trix. Always Trix."

"Trix." - he agreed.

Their bodies fit together as if they had been doing that for centuries. Sirius wanted to kiss and touch and know every inch of her. Bellatrix wanted him closer and deeper and faster.

They were together in bed and her head was on his chest with his hand caressing her long dark hair. He felt at ease but somewhere inside he knew that nothing good could come from it.

"You're corrupting me" - Sirius said, playfully.

She let out a small laughter and they were silent in each other's arm for a while.

"You cannot marry him." - the words escaped him.

"I already made up my mind." - Her words were like knifes.

"Even though you're still in love with me?"

Sirius' words made her lose the air in her lungs.

Bellatrix got up and put her nightgown back on. She looked at him trying so hard not to show any emotion.

"My body may burn with fire, Sirius, but my soul is made entirely out of ice."

"You do realize how ridiculous that sounds?"

She left the room and he was broken again. Within hours she was back in his life and gone before he could have a say about it. He wanted to get back at her, wanted her miserable and suffering like he was. Sirius was not entirely sure if that was possible.

 _This woman is going to be the death of me_ , he thought before falling asleep.

 _And oh you love to hate me  
Don't you, honey? I'm your sacrifice_

He was waiting for her on a corridor. It was a lazy afternoon on Grimmauld Place and the adults were minding their business for change. She was walking on his direction and was determined to pass him by. Sirius had other plans. He moved and blocked her  
/way. She tried passing through his side and he wouldn't let her.

"You're coming with me." - he whispered, grabbing her hand tight and pulling her towards the attic.

There was old furniture and dust on the room. He had a boyish smile on his face as he embraced her from behind. Sirius' breath in her ear sent chills all over her body that she tried to hide.

"What do you think you're doing?" - she asked and her arms were on top of his.

"Corrupting you back." - he said, kissing her neck. It was a weak spot for her and he loved it.

Bellatrix turned to face him and Sirius lifted her from her feet to his lap. Her legs were around his waist and her hands were on his hair. It was intoxicating. She was kissing him like air was an unnecessary thing. He tighten the grip on her body and  
/she let out a moan that sent fire throughout his entire body.

Sirius carried her to the sofa and she urged him on top of her. He did not waste a second and clothes were flying through the room. Bellatrix's body felt amazing and he thought he might explode.

"Trix." - he said, as she was gathering her clothes to leave.

"What?" - she wasn't paying much attention.

"One day very soon I'm going to leave this place." - his tone was dead serious and she turned to face him. "Say you'll come with me."

"No." - there was no hesitation in her voice and his heart broke a little.

He got up from the sofa and pulled her to his arms. "You love me", he said oh so gently but with such despair.

She looked at him and gave him and honest answer. "You're not enough, Six."

Letting go of that embrace was one of the hardest thing he ever did. He was sad and angry and so lonely.

"We're over, aren't we?" - she tried to touch his face and he pulled away.

He closed his eyes for a second. He asked her once. He was not going to beg. He realized with certainty that there was nothing left for him at that bloody house.

"I hate you way more than I should this very moment. So yes, it's all fucking over."

He looked at her with a fury that she had not seen before and walked away.

 _Do you wonder why you hate?  
Are you still too weak  
to survive your mistakes?_

Time passed away from the Black manor. Sirius saw on the The Daily Prophet the announcement of the wedding of Bellatrix Black and Rodolphus Lestrange.

It should not hurt this much by now. _It wasn't love_ , he told himself. _It's not love_ , he repeated.

He picked up the paper again and looked at the picture. Lestrange's hand was on her waist and he was looking at her. Bellatrix was wearing a white veil that was a beautiful contrast against her black hair. There was not a trace of emotion on her eyes,  
/however. She was playing the perfect Black woman. Or former Black.

 _This is the life she wanted_ , he thought tossing the paper on the fire. _This is what she chose over me_.

Sirius drank half a bottle of firewhisky before passing out.

 _I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die  
Erase the silence  
Erase my life  
Our burning ashes_

It was dark and loud. Sirius was dueling a Death Eater and there were curses flying all around. He was exhausted. The battle was not going well and he was trying very hard to defend himself.

He was casting a spell when he saw her approaching. The only one of them mad enough not to be wearing a mask. Bellatrix had a dangerous expression.

"I'll deal with my blood-traitor cousin." - she commanded the Death Eater and he obliged. It was no secret that she was high amongst the ranks so that obedience did not surprised Sirius. The cold in her voice, however, sent chills down his spine.

"Long time no see, Bellatrix Lestrange." - the words seemed to rise above the battle screams.

"Get away from here while no one is watching, you stupid".

Their eyes were locked on each other. He looked down and saw the Dark Mark on her arm. It filled him anger.

"Is this really who you are?" - he grabbed her wrist and took one dangerous step closer.

There was hope in his voice that never reached his eyes. He couldn't stop the words from escaping his lips but deep down he knew she was long gone.

"Take you filthy hand away from me, Black." - her wand was aimed at his neck before he could even blink.

"You don't have it in you."

It was not a very smart thing to provoke Bellatrix Black, but then again Sirius could be really stupid for an intelligent man.

"Try me." - she pressed the wand harder against his throat.

He let go of her arm. "Go to hell."

She stepped away from him and lowered her wand.

They were silent and he thought he recognize something in her eyes. For a second it was almost as she was sad he was no longer touching her.

"I just saved your pathetic life, Sirius. It won't happen a second time."

"Fuck you!"

 _Blacken the day  
A world of nothingness  
Blow me away_

Sirius saw her entering the Department of Mysteries and his heart stopped for a second. She was older and didn't look like the beauty queen she was back in their youth but was still a force of nature. Bellatrix hesitated for only a second when she acknowledge  
/his presence. There were memories dancing in both their eyes.

Bellatrix eyes lit with fury. They started dueling and each spell they cast on one another missed, causing no physical pain but hurting them both inside.

He couldn't believe they were face to face again. After many years of absence she was back to haunt him. He fired a curse at her and thought about how he hated that red lips. Another spell missed and he despised that pale skin. And then one more and he  
/remembered holding her on his arms. Damn it. He was losing focus.

Sirius duck a jet of red light coming at his direction and laughed at her. He yelled saying she could do better than that. She was bound to be furious. And then he was hit directly on the chest. His laugher was still on his face but his eyes were screaming  
/in shock.

He felt himself falling and the last thing he ever saw were Bellatrix's terrified eyes.

Bellatrix saw his lips pronounce one soundless word before disappearing forever: _Trix_.

* * *

 _Author's note:_

In tribute to two of the kindest souls I've ever met, Tainara and Nate.

Lyrics credit to a beautiful song called Sweet Sacrifice from Evanescence.


End file.
